Hi there,

Sorry for my absence I have nothing else to say on that regard haha..

This post will be a bit personal so I apologize beforehand and feel free to skip this one.

So I am in Japan with nothing to do today. It is actually refreshing. I haven't been sleeping well lately because my dreams have seem so vivid and realistic I think it is interrupting my sleep pattern. I usually have 1 or 2 dreams a night that I remember but lately its been 4 or 5. I'm not sure if it is possible for dreams to interrupt your sleep cycle without waking you up but I just haven't been waking up feeling rested. It has however, given me time to think about what I want out of life. I've had many different experiences in my life that have led me to believe I just want to help. Whether it is humans or animals I just want to help. If you're sad I want to help you feel better. If my animal is sick I just want to help it heal. I am a compassionate person... Even when I hear a baby crying I just want to help it even if it is truly crying for no reason other than to get attention. I would love to be a zoologist, a teacher, a social worker, but I can't be all of them and I've only got one lifetime. That is what is tripping me up. Which would I rather do? I don't think I will figure it out by the end of my trip but I hope I can be a little closer.



(Note to students reading this, it gets very personal after this)

Lily Allen - Everyone's At It

"I'm not trying to say,
That I'm smelling of roses,
But when will we tire,
Of putting shit up our noses.

I don't like staying up,
Staying up past the sunlight.
It's meant to be fun,
And this just doesn't feel right.

Why can't we all,
All just be honest,
Admit to ourselves,
That everyone's on it.

From grown politicians,
To young adolescents,
Prescribing themselves,
Anti-depressants.

How can we start to tackle the problem,
If you don't put your hands up,
And admit that you're on them.

The kids are in danger,
They're all getting habits,
Because from what I can see,
Everyone's at it.

I get involved,
But I'm not advocating.
Got an opinion,
Yeah, you're well up for slating.

So you've got a prescription,
And that makes it legal.
I find the excuses,
Overwhelmingly feeble.

You go to the doctor,
You need pills to sleep in.
Well if you can convince him,
Then I guess that's not cheating.

So your daughter's depressed,
We'll get her straight on the prozac.
But little do you know,
She already takes crack.

Why can't we all,
All just be honest,
Admit to ourselves,
That everyone's on it.

From grown politicians,
To young adolescents,
Prescribing themselves,
Anti-depressants.

How can we start to tackle the problem,
If you don't put your hands up,
And admit that you're on them."

So being abroad without much to do currently has given me a lot of time to think about life. I didn't really want to delve into personal matters on this blog but I guess I'm going to have to. The lack of talk therapy has left me ready to explode!
I didn't get to speak to my therapist about this before I left so it has been weighing on me. Before I left the USA the true realization of how many of my friends are hooked on drugs and alcohol. It is terrifying and breaks my heart every time I think about it. I wouldn't have as big of a problem with it if I knew it was just a childish phase but I believe some of my friends have made this their life decision. "The goal is to be on that same level of high all day." Ok, so you say you've got problems, you're hurting or believe you cant do anything else in life. Well, I feel like that too sometimes but I tough it out, I suffer and you get to ignore it all by drinking or taking drugs? Not fair. It is also sad to grow up with these kids and hear them talk about what they want to do and to realize they'll never do it... It is all just stupid. All of my sober friends tell me to just ignore them and cut them from my life but my biggest downfall and weakness is that I care too much for everyone around me. Yes I know they don't care even half as much about me but I can't help it and to me compassion isn't necessarily a bad thing. The song lyrics I posted are from a British singer who also talks about her brother wasting his life away doing drugs. It is nice to know some one else cares...
Maybe someday, if I just stand on the side lines, when they realize every one else has left them except me, maybe they will take comfort in it, do you see why I can't just leave?